My Story
Jacq: 27 . London
I have always struggled with my weight. I was bullied all the way through
primary and secondary school for being overweight. Looking back on it now I can
see that I wasn't really that big but I was very smart and every class has a
scapegoat right? I was truly tormented. I couldn't get on the school bus or
walk down a corridor without having abuse hurled at me. My nickname in primary
school was hippo, in highschool it was sumo. I remember being 8 and one
of best freinds telling me I would be really pretty if I wasn't fat. I was
unconfident around boys, god its just textbook really. All the women in my
family were completely preoccupied with their weight and I grew up believing
that thin was good and fat was bad. It didn't matter that I was top at all my
subjects, was a natural musician, won countless academic awards or (despite my
size) excelled in team sports. I would sit at the dinner table and watch my mum
push salad around her plate as she served us pizza and chips or big helpings of
spaghetti followed by ice cream. Then she would pick at our meagre left overs,
I should have realised then that she had a problem (something she denies to
this day).
I ended up in the nurses office one day after becoming upset in class as a
result of being picked on (again). I just blurted everything out to her and she
suggested that she could help me with an eating and exercise plan to lose
weight. I thanked her greatfully and agreed. She gave me a weigh in card and
diary to keep a record of what I was eating. In the begginig I was perfect I
spent hours in the local library immersed in cook books and nutrition guides. I
started cooking for myself, my cooking was so low fat that even my mother let
me cook for her. I started running and skating and doing step areobics and
dancing, I loved exercise. The weight started coming off, I started getting
positive comments and for the first time ever I didn't feel completely
horrified by my reflection but as time went on I became more and more obsessed.
Yes you guessed it I became anorexic. At my worst I had lost 5 stone was living
of a rice cake and an apple a day and doing up to 6 hours of exercise. I
collapsed in gym and then everone knew my dirty little secret.
My parents were useless. According to them it was all in my head and I should
just EAT. My dad was the worst. They would sit at the dinner table and I
couldnt leave untill I had eaten everything on my plate. So of course I became
bulimic. I would purge so quickly and anywhere I could. I was puting on weight
though so noone even considered that I might still have a problem. This
continued untill I went to university.
The unthinkable happened - In my first week at uni I fell in love, deeply in
love and i stopped purging. This lasted for a whole year, I put on weight and I
can honestly say I did not give a shit.
We broke up and I stopped eating and started over exercising again I lost 3
stone in 2 months
I was in a very bad state when I met Gary* He was strong and had an attitude
problem and I loved it. At first I was pleased that he'd get jelous, I mistook
it for genuine care. He would have none of my eating disorders and used to
practically force fed me. I dropped out of my course and moved country to be
with him. I had little interest in my new university course I was only there to
be with him. He was very domineering though and as my weight creeped up and up
he would still insist that I eat, he was jealous and controlloing and soon was
as big a problem as any other issue in my life but still it was easier having
him tellme what to do than actually take any responsibilty for myself. I grew
more and more miserable until one day during an argument Gary* forced me to my
knees and snarled at me 'You should thank god for me, look at you, you are
disgusting and no one else will ever want you'. In that moment I knew that what
he was saying was true but that it was because of him. I lost it ,after 4 years
I snapped and kicked him out. I remember looking in the mirror tears and make
up everywhere after that and seeing a 14 and a half stone mess that I
didn't recognise as myself. I vowed that I would loose the
weight and I vowed that I would do it right.
And I did! I worked my ass off I went on a low gi diet and I joined a gym. In a
year I had lost 3 and a half stone, was strong as an ox and was really happy.
Then I woke up at a party one night to find one of my friends on top of me. I
had crased out on a bed at one of my friends houses. I was wasted and convinced
myself that it had never really happened and I had immagined it all.
Unfortunately I had a baby growing inside of me that would say different.
I decided to keep the baby but I had really really bad morning sicknees and I
was ravenous. I was drinking all the time and urinating on the
hour. I was losing weight but my mum told me that she had been the
same so I carried on drinking gallons of fruit juice and eating doughnuts. It
wasn't untill I woke up one morning and couldn't see that I realised that
something was very wrong. I had worked in a pharmacy as a teenager and
suspected that I had diabetes so off to the GP i went only to be
turned away after being told that I was too old for type 1, too thin for 2 and
not in the right trimester for gestational. I got more and more sick and
eventually dragged myself back to the Gp and demanded a blood sugar test - It
was off the scale an ambulance was called - I was lucky to be alive my diabetes
had been undiagnosed for so long I was in severe ketoacidosis had a blood sugar
of 60 and lost the baby.
Ironic isn't it that after all that time losing weight the right way I had developed
a disease that could let me manipulate it . It wasn't long before all of the
stress of losing the baby and having to deal with my new illness started
getting me down. I reverted to doing the only thing I knew would keep me happy
and give me any sense of self worth: losing weight. But this time I could do it
quicker than ever before AND I could eat what I wanted infact I could things I
would never even have considered eating before so I did and I ate and ate
untill I had lost over half my weight and was in a size 6.
I am dying.
I am eating myself to death.
But it stops now.
I can't do this anymore
